Issues and Relationships

Negotiation happens daily as we problem solve solutions together.  These exchanges may create a sense of community or create disagreement leading to conflict.  Recognizing the elements of these interactions can lead to greater understanding.

Human interactions may be classified as either task or social-emotional.  Many conflict theorists agree that humans balance concerns for issues with concerns for relationships.  Roger Fisher and Scott Brown's book, Getting Together:  Building Relationships As We Negotiate (1988) discusses the value of choosing to focus on relationship building as a strategy for conflict resolution.  The premise of these strategies rests on choosing to be "unconditionally constructive".

 

"I will do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they reciprocate."

This advice is expounded in these ideas:

• I will balance reason with emotion.  (Even if they are acting only emotionally or only with stoic reason, we will balance emotions and reason.)  Neither overwhelming emotion nor logic alone is sufficient for wide decisions; we need both tempered by each other.                                                                                 

•   I will work at understanding.  (Even if they misunderstand us we will try to understand them.)  Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 

•  I will work at good communication.  (Even if they are not listening, we will listen to them and consult them on matters that affect them.)  Transparency will create trust.  Active listening requires putting ourselves in others' shoes. 

•  I will be reliable.  (Even if they are trying to deceive us, we will be reliable.)  My commitments should be viewed as promises and I should not ignore that others are expecting follow through.

• I will use persuasion rather than coercion.  (Even if they are trying to coerce us we will be open to persuasion and to try to persuade them.)  I should try to inspire you to voluntary cooperation through education, logical argument, moral persuasion, and my own example, rather than coerce you through threats, warnings, extortion, or physical force.  "You can catch more flies with honey."

• I will work at acceptance.  (Even if they reject us and our concerns as unworthy of their consideration, we will accept them as worthy of our consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.)  I will seek to make others feel accepted, worthy, and valued. 

Not only will recognizing these strategies lead to great understanding, but applying them in an integrated way yields opportunity for initiating and sustaining enduring relationships.


Adapted from Roger Fisher and Scott Brown's book, Getting Together:  Building Relationships As We Negotiate (1988)